Terrible Is Not That Bad

There’s numerous of things that I’m terrible at. Cooking, drawing, grammar, remembering names, and trying to be funny. Because when you try too hard, it’s just doesn’t come out right. For instance, I’m terrible at small talk, networking, keeping a conversation going, and expressing myself comfortably to strangers — just plain-old bad at talking. I don’t know what it is. I get the nerves, my brain wires cross each other, I stutter my words, hesitate and map internally how I’m going to say my sentences thus overthinking my responses. This is why I avoid debates, arguing, or even saying anything when I’m pissed off because it just gets worst and I literally come out looking stupid.

Unless, I’ve emotionally invested in a person or somehow I’m in my zone, I can be normal. Talking via email, text, or messenger I’m normal. Because time is on my side to adjust to the scenario and say the right things without eye balls looking at my lips.

I’m often mistaken as an introvert. I’m really not. It’s just my brain going against my charisma when I’m in front of a human. It’s super weird. Is it fear or insecurity? I don’t know. What I do know is that I hate it.

I’ve said it before, writing and making videos has been like therapy to me. It’s helped me process my thoughts and make the right connections in my brain. Self awareness has allowed me to just accept my voice and go full force in making mistakes with my communication struggles. Identifying that I have some dyslexic tendencies has brought some understanding as to why I am this way.

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But being terrible at “talking” has its perks. Because the moments when I’m buffering an idea is also the moments where I’m listening the most.

My listening poker face is on point, my “uhuhs” and nods vary making the communicator feel comfortable, and my responses are mostly questions — that way I get a clear and bigger picture of the objective of the conversation to respond with something of value. Even if it’s short. Sure, sometimes I’ll ask for the person to reiterate and explain to me in laymen terms, but for those who love talking, this is heaven.

I’m a listener and it’s a flaw of mine that has made this a great virtue. I do plan to get better, smarter, and wiser. I just have to make sure that I never  lose that human quality — actually caring.

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